The Funny Jokes Book

Collection of funny jokes gathered all over the world. New jokes are added every week

 

Mixed football jokes June 26, 2007

Filed under: Sports Jokes — admin @ 7:52 am

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham’s ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out “Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup.” Snow White says “Well at least Dopey’s alive!”

Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.

“Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!”

“The cups man! Save the cups!” cries George.

“Uh, the fire hasn’t spread to the canteen yet, sir.”

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they’d rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it’s like to ride on an open-top bus.

Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
“I’ll do anything for 3 points”, he said when questioned.

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said “we don’t just need points now, we need snookers!”

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

 
 

Digger Phelps quotes

Filed under: Sports Jokes — admin @ 7:52 am

Digger Phelps’ Words of Wisdom

From the NCAA Tournament:

“Basketball is a game of two halves.”

“We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins.”

“You’re either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle.”

“He’s like all great players — not great yet.”

“You don’t score 86 points without being able to shoot.”

 
 

Quotes of Yogi Berra

Filed under: Sports Jokes — admin @ 7:52 am

Yogi Berra Quotes

“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”

“Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.”

“If the people don’t want to come out to the park, nobody’s gonna stop them.”

“No wonder nobody comes here; it’s too crowded.”

“We made too many wrong mistakes.”

“You can observe a lot by just watching.”

“I usually take a two-hour nap from 1 to 4.” – Yogi Berra

 
 

Baseball in Heaven?

Filed under: Sports Jokes — admin @ 7:51 am

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.

“Bob, Is that you?” Earl asked.

“Of course it me,” Bob replied.

“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed. “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

 
 

She’s new to football

Filed under: Sports Jokes — admin @ 7:51 am

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

“I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,” she said.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’”

 
 

Sports entrance exam

Filed under: Sports Jokes — admin @ 7:51 am
           UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM
          SEC FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
            (Time Limit: 3 Weeks)

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient
   Babylonian Empire with particular
   reference to architecture, literature,
   law and social conditions

   -OR-

   give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
   (a) build a bridge
   (b) sail the ocean
   (c) lead an army or
   (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (please check
   only one answer)
   (a) Jewish
   (b) Catholic
   (c) Hindu
   (d) Polish
   (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is
   0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is
   on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given?
   (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north
   called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called
    George, the last one being George the
    Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
     (a) Macy's
     (b) a 7-11
     (c) Canada
     (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory
    of Relativity?
     (a) yes
     (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National
    Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chatelier's Principle of
    Dynamic Equilibrium

     -OR-

     spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story
    building located?

17. Which part of America produces the
    most oranges?
     (a) New York
     (b) Florida
     (c) Canada
     (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math.
    If you have three apples how many apples
    do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.)
    stand for?

*You must answer three or more questions
correctly to qualify*
 
 

Stupid sports quotes

Filed under: Sports Jokes — admin @ 7:50 am

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:”I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the ‘Skins say “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s mom too.”

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes.”

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road.. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” (1982)

Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.” (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?” (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.” (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’ ” (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.” (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.” (1987)

 
 

Heaven playing sports

Filed under: Sports Jokes — admin @ 7:50 am

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”

“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”

 
 

Skiing season training

Filed under: Sports Jokes — admin @ 7:50 am

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald’s and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours – anywhere – as long as it’s in a snowstorm and you’re following an 18 wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don’t go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it’s time for the real thing!

 
 

Adopt an NBA player

Filed under: Sports Jokes — admin @ 7:49 am

THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!

With an NBA player’s strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It’s just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks–possibly a whole year–as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day–that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV–you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.

Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.

Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

“HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING?”

Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You’ll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering.

“HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING”

Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.

Simply fill out the form below.

___YES, I want to help!

I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in
    need. Please select one for me.

*    Higher cost
**   Much higher cost
***  Please call our 900 number to
     ask for the cost of a specific
     team (Sorry, does not include
     cheerleaders).

Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.

[ ] MasterCard       [ ] Visa
[ ] American Express [ ] DiscoverCard
[ ] Diner's Club 

Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number:  __________________
Account Number: _____________________
Exp.Date:____________________________
Signature:  _________________________

Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.)

Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.